I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
