i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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