Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
