The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
