How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
