Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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