i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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