I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
