Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
