my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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