Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I am naked and annoyed.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
