Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
