happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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