Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
