Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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