Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
