I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
