Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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