every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
