I'm sorry my penis didn't work
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
