I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
