I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
