Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
