she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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