If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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