I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
