I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
But break dance skills will only take you so far
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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