does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
