The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
