Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
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