i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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