I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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