ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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