it's like her boobs came off with her bra
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
