my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
