Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
