The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
