all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
