Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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