I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
