Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
