just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
