I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
