It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
you made out with another girl for some wings
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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