I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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