God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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