Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
