I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
