some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
