My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
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If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
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I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.