with your own penis?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
