the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
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