The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
