woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
whose ass print is on the piano?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
