She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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