i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
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No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
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he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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