the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
