I'd wear matching sweaters with you
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
