I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
